The transformation from being extremely overweight to fit or to the level of national level athlete involves so much more than just the scale changing. The mind must change to see oneself as a new person. To lose the insecurities and negative emotions one feels when they are overweight is an even more important and often more difficult than dropping the pounds.
When I first began my journey to lose weight, my goals were simple. I just wanted to fit in smaller clothes and not cry when I saw myself in the mirror in the dressing room. I did not have a final vision of how I wanted to look. In the beginning, I did not know it was even possible to go from my condition to looking extremely fit, athletic or sexy. I did not know anyone who had lost weight so I had no idea what was possible. Initially, I just wanted to be able to buy clothes for an interview without being disgusted at how I looked.
As time went by and the pounds came off, I wore smaller and smaller sized clothing. I even shopped for some things in the children’s department. I eventually reached a look I was extremely happy with and shocked I was able to achieve. I received complements all the time on how fit I looked and was often asked what I ate or how I trained to look like this. Coming from such an insecure background, I thrived on these complements and felt how others viewed me was what was important. I was finally able to wear “cute” clothes and go to the beach in a bikini and look great.
It was at this point that many people asked if I competed and I decided to do my first bodybuilding show. My mind was still all about just how do I look. Do people see me as fat? I was not competing because I had any long-term goals in bodybuilding. I really enjoyed competing but was still thinking like a fat girl. In this warped mindset, I thought being a bodybuilder meant being big and that meant fat. My mind could not separate big & lean vs. fat, I just thought I don’t want to be fat again so I can’t do bodybuilding. So my fat girl brain thought figure would be the solution. I thought I could stay small but still compete and have photos in great shape. But figure did not fit my personality because I loved to train super heavy, wanted to pose and I wanted to have my legs big and lean but I stayed in figure again just to stay small. My mind could still not get over being fat in the past and my biggest fear was that I would be fat again or people thinking I was fat.
In 2007 I decided to do my first national level show in figure. I was only doing it for fun and to look good for pictures. I knew 100% I did not have the genetics or looks to place well in figure at the national level. I was still not thinking of myself as an athlete. Because of that everything revolved around how I looked day-to-day not trying to achieve new goals and improving my physique. I feared missing any day in the gym - if I was maintaining with what level of activity I was doing I was afraid if I did any less I would gain fat. About 5 weeks out, we decided I should try bodybuilding instead of figure. I really enjoyed being on stage as a bodybuilder and this show was a small step in my mind switching to that of an athlete. I felt a passion for competing I had never felt before!!
Now that I switched back to bodybuilding, I did have the goal of adding muscle and improving my physique for my next show but still the fat girl thoughts overpowered. Do people think I am fat? I still thought of my training and diet as much a path to not gaining my fat back as it was to competing. I still focused to much on can I wear cute clothes and what are people thinking. I know just how differently people treated me when I was fat compared to when I had gotten down to the 120lbs. I also felt I did not have the right genetic structure to really do well as a bodybuilder so I still just competed for fun and to have the photo memories. I never viewed myself as an athlete or someone who could do well in the sport. As much as I loved the training and gave 100% every time I prepped for a show, I never believed deep down I could do well. I hated the off-season because I felt I was fat and I constantly felt I would get fatter and fatter back to my starting point. I still had the negative feelings of the fat girl even though I had kept the weight off for 7-8 years already. I had not spent enough time working on my mind.
The real beginning of my mindset change was in 2009. I won the overall at the 2009 Jr. Nationals and looked like I had never looked before. For the very first time I actually saw myself as a bodybuilder. It was not the win that convinced me but the look I had finally achieved. I had people telling me I had what it took to win and get a pro card yet I still carried insecurities and thought really? Me? A pro card? Even though I set the goal to improve and go for the pro card deep down I still did not believe I was good enough. I still did not look at myself as an athlete or someone good enough to do well. As the months passed and I trained and I started working more on my mindset, gradually I began to push the negative feelings out and they slowly became less and less.
I have tried to fight the insecure fat girl in the back of my head and gradually she gets shoved deeper and deeper and the thoughts creep in less and less. I have gotten back to saying daily affirmations. This was something I had done regularly first few years of my weight loss but somehow had gotten away from doing. One of the books I read back in 2004 is You’ll See It when You Believe It by Wayne Dyer. I often refer back to what that book said. I have surrounded myself with very positive people who believe in themselves and support each other goals. I am learning so much from their words and actions. Now when negative thoughts start to show up I realize those are just old fears and let them go. The person that helped me grow the most is my soul-mate and best friend Chase. He recommended the Wayne Dyer books and always helps to remind me what is important in life and what I have achieved. To look at the positive and the future and not dwell on the past. Whenever I would slip into old thoughts he was there to pull me back out and get me back into the proper mindset.
Here I am 9 weeks into my off-season after my 15th competition and for the first time I can really look at myself as an athlete and I know I have the drive, commitment and abilities to achieve my goals. I can now look at the off-season from the mind of an athlete instead of a fat girl. When Dusty told me I needed a week off for my body to rest I did it without question and I did not fear I would get fat. I can look at each day as a step in my journey to make the improvements I need. Each decision I make on my nutrition and training is with the goal of improving each time I step on stage and my pro card in mind. I don’t eat clean and go to gym to avoid getting fat. I do this to improve my physique and reach my goal.
When I first began my journey to lose weight, my goals were simple. I just wanted to fit in smaller clothes and not cry when I saw myself in the mirror in the dressing room. I did not have a final vision of how I wanted to look. In the beginning, I did not know it was even possible to go from my condition to looking extremely fit, athletic or sexy. I did not know anyone who had lost weight so I had no idea what was possible. Initially, I just wanted to be able to buy clothes for an interview without being disgusted at how I looked.
As time went by and the pounds came off, I wore smaller and smaller sized clothing. I even shopped for some things in the children’s department. I eventually reached a look I was extremely happy with and shocked I was able to achieve. I received complements all the time on how fit I looked and was often asked what I ate or how I trained to look like this. Coming from such an insecure background, I thrived on these complements and felt how others viewed me was what was important. I was finally able to wear “cute” clothes and go to the beach in a bikini and look great.
It was at this point that many people asked if I competed and I decided to do my first bodybuilding show. My mind was still all about just how do I look. Do people see me as fat? I was not competing because I had any long-term goals in bodybuilding. I really enjoyed competing but was still thinking like a fat girl. In this warped mindset, I thought being a bodybuilder meant being big and that meant fat. My mind could not separate big & lean vs. fat, I just thought I don’t want to be fat again so I can’t do bodybuilding. So my fat girl brain thought figure would be the solution. I thought I could stay small but still compete and have photos in great shape. But figure did not fit my personality because I loved to train super heavy, wanted to pose and I wanted to have my legs big and lean but I stayed in figure again just to stay small. My mind could still not get over being fat in the past and my biggest fear was that I would be fat again or people thinking I was fat.
In 2007 I decided to do my first national level show in figure. I was only doing it for fun and to look good for pictures. I knew 100% I did not have the genetics or looks to place well in figure at the national level. I was still not thinking of myself as an athlete. Because of that everything revolved around how I looked day-to-day not trying to achieve new goals and improving my physique. I feared missing any day in the gym - if I was maintaining with what level of activity I was doing I was afraid if I did any less I would gain fat. About 5 weeks out, we decided I should try bodybuilding instead of figure. I really enjoyed being on stage as a bodybuilder and this show was a small step in my mind switching to that of an athlete. I felt a passion for competing I had never felt before!!
Now that I switched back to bodybuilding, I did have the goal of adding muscle and improving my physique for my next show but still the fat girl thoughts overpowered. Do people think I am fat? I still thought of my training and diet as much a path to not gaining my fat back as it was to competing. I still focused to much on can I wear cute clothes and what are people thinking. I know just how differently people treated me when I was fat compared to when I had gotten down to the 120lbs. I also felt I did not have the right genetic structure to really do well as a bodybuilder so I still just competed for fun and to have the photo memories. I never viewed myself as an athlete or someone who could do well in the sport. As much as I loved the training and gave 100% every time I prepped for a show, I never believed deep down I could do well. I hated the off-season because I felt I was fat and I constantly felt I would get fatter and fatter back to my starting point. I still had the negative feelings of the fat girl even though I had kept the weight off for 7-8 years already. I had not spent enough time working on my mind.
The real beginning of my mindset change was in 2009. I won the overall at the 2009 Jr. Nationals and looked like I had never looked before. For the very first time I actually saw myself as a bodybuilder. It was not the win that convinced me but the look I had finally achieved. I had people telling me I had what it took to win and get a pro card yet I still carried insecurities and thought really? Me? A pro card? Even though I set the goal to improve and go for the pro card deep down I still did not believe I was good enough. I still did not look at myself as an athlete or someone good enough to do well. As the months passed and I trained and I started working more on my mindset, gradually I began to push the negative feelings out and they slowly became less and less.
I have tried to fight the insecure fat girl in the back of my head and gradually she gets shoved deeper and deeper and the thoughts creep in less and less. I have gotten back to saying daily affirmations. This was something I had done regularly first few years of my weight loss but somehow had gotten away from doing. One of the books I read back in 2004 is You’ll See It when You Believe It by Wayne Dyer. I often refer back to what that book said. I have surrounded myself with very positive people who believe in themselves and support each other goals. I am learning so much from their words and actions. Now when negative thoughts start to show up I realize those are just old fears and let them go. The person that helped me grow the most is my soul-mate and best friend Chase. He recommended the Wayne Dyer books and always helps to remind me what is important in life and what I have achieved. To look at the positive and the future and not dwell on the past. Whenever I would slip into old thoughts he was there to pull me back out and get me back into the proper mindset.
Here I am 9 weeks into my off-season after my 15th competition and for the first time I can really look at myself as an athlete and I know I have the drive, commitment and abilities to achieve my goals. I can now look at the off-season from the mind of an athlete instead of a fat girl. When Dusty told me I needed a week off for my body to rest I did it without question and I did not fear I would get fat. I can look at each day as a step in my journey to make the improvements I need. Each decision I make on my nutrition and training is with the goal of improving each time I step on stage and my pro card in mind. I don’t eat clean and go to gym to avoid getting fat. I do this to improve my physique and reach my goal.
I am a top level athlete and am finally thinking like one. I am so excited for the next part of my journey both emotional and physical. By far the very best me will be standing on stage in 2012 - I have no doubt!
your story and yoi are amazing as first time yrs ago. would inspire :-). congrads friend
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