I love the holiday season! Every year I can't wait to break out the decorations, find the perfect tree and all the other family fun.
One tradition that I cherish and still have every single one is that my mom buys me a new ornament every year. She started doing this back in the early 80s. I would have to get the ornaments out to get the exact year but i think it was 1981 or 1982. Each and every one is very special. I started the same tradition with my daughter Christine from the year she was born.
I collect the Hallmark Cat in the Hat, Grinch, Dr Seuss Book Series, and Dr Seuss characters ornaments. Every year I try to get to the store early before they sell of them. Each year I get Christine and I a new set of matching pajamas. The first time we id this was 2001. Christine was only 10, it was when i first lost all my weight so i was super tiny and my mom has always been really small. So the first set the 3 of us got was a gap kids!! We have Grinch, a couple of different sock monkey and several other fun pj's
Once we moved to Illinois we began the tradition of going out the the Christmas tree farm with the dogs search the entire place to find the perfect tree. We always tried to wait until there was a blanket of snow on the ground. On Christmas Chase, Christine and I pack up the dogs, Christmas cookies and hot cocoa and drive around to look at Christmas lights.
Every year we buy a new family ornament and put all of our names on it including the 2 cats and 2 dogs. Finding one with 7 places for names is hard! Sometime we have to get one with 3 for the people and a matching onewith 4 for the pets. This year we started the new tradition that the current year family ornament will go on a wreath.
My very favorite holiday shows are The Grinch, Charlie Brown Christmas and Rudolph. I love all the characters and most of the house and yard decorations involve them.
Once we moved to Illinois in 2005 I really missed being with my mom, dad, sisters, nieces and nephews for Christmas. Last year since we moved to AZ we did drive to San Diego and see everyone but my mom she lives in Maine now. This year I am realy happy because I will be seeing everyone. My mom is planning to fly out to visit and we are making the trip to San Diego to see every one else. The very best thing about when we lived in Illinois was the white Christmas' I really miss that!
On Christmas morning, Chase makes Christine and I what before we can come out while he
*Starts fire in fireplace 9til we moved to AZ no fire place :banghead:
*Warms up something for breakfast Apple Pancake form Walker Bros, Cinnamon Rolls etc
*He finishes filling our stockings (he goes to bed before us so he has to do in AM)
*Puts "Santa" gifts under the tree (Santa gifts are wrapped in special paper)
Another tradition that is very important to us is that every year we make sure we donate some toys to Toys For Tots. I love to pick out the toys and we try to get a few different one so we have something for different ages.
One very special memory from childhood was when I was about 3 years old. My parents had Santa come to the house and bring me presents. My very favorite was a set of The Three Bears stuffed bears.
Christmas time is a very special time to enjoy with family and friends. To reflect on what is really important in life. I am very blessed to be able to spend this season with my entire family. I am also surrounded my amazing friends. I can't ask for more.
Wishing you a wonderful holiday season and a Happy New Year!
So the holidays are here. this seems to be the time many people get thrown off their plan. Co-workers bringing in yummy treats, family time and holiday parties.
I live the bodybuilder/ physique athlete lifestyle 24/7/365 but believe balance is very important. We all need to live and enjoy life while not falling off the edge into a spiral off eating from Thanksgiving til New Years.
Unless you are prepping for a show and don't have cheat meals or refeeds it is possible to enjoy the foods of the holidays without gaining fat. It's comes down to decisions and commitment.
During the holidays I still eat my plan 6 days and allow the 7th for a treate meal/fun food. Thanksgiving and Christmas are larger cheats. I don't believe there are any bad foods or that one has to be "hardcore" when living the lifestyle and never enjoy the food "regular" people eat.
When Chase receives food gifts at work we just save them for the cheats meal days. If food it out at work he just ignores it. Whenever we have treat/cheat meals we remember we are living this lifestyle by choice and want to look a certain way so when we eat we make the choice to eat without going crazy and eating like it is our last meal.
We have a club that meets monthly "The House of Fitness Fit Club" and we are having a Holiday party with clean food and cheat food. Some people will still be on a plan where they can't just have whatever they want. also the clean is there to show there are ways to make clean food flavorful. Also if you eat some clean food you will not go overboard on the fun food.
This year Chase and I are alone. Christine will be staying at her school since it is so expensive to bring her home for just one week. Originally we decided to just do Thanksgiving on Saturday since we were considering eating out and that way everything would be open but we got a surprise email from our trainer Dusty:
"Enjoy your Thanksgiving as you always would be sure to be back on program Friday. Saturday have your treat meal as always. do not take pictures or weigh this week. Enjoy"
We were shocked we thought for sure Thanksgiving would replace the Sat cheat meal. We will be having variety of things but eating reasonable amounts of each to enjoy the many flavors without feeling like we are going to burst.
So our plan for Thanksgiving is:
Banana Oat pancakes with caramelized bananas on top (Banana Oat mix is from World Market)
Take the dogs somewhere fun for a walk maybe some trails
Put up Christmas Lights
Pizza from Oreganos
Happy Feet 2 with all red Mike n Ike's
Pasta from Carrabas
Banana Cream Pie
There will be temptations all around but just remember why you are living this lifestyle and you have the power to make smart, balanced choices.
I am realizing once again just how important the mind is when it comes to achieving ours goals. Visualizing the outcome and saying affirmations lets you mind believe and therefore achieve your goals.
Back in 1995 when I first began my weight loss journey I used affirmations. I am now just realizing how important that was.At the time I knew nothing about training and nutrition. I didn’t use a trainer or nutritionist. I bought a few books like Getting Stronger by Bill Pearl and then just started to gradually make better choices with my diet. How was it I succeeded in something that so many others fail at? How was it I never gained the weight back? Could it have been my mind? I am beginning to really think so.
I wrote my affirmations on 3x5 cards and read them whenever I had a spare minute. I read them on the bus, on breaks at work and before bed. I carried them in my pocket or backpack at all times.
Important keys for Affirmations
1.Affirmation should be said as if it has already happened
2.Affirmations should be short
3.Repeat the affirmations and just let it into your mind
Examples of my affirmations during my weight loss
“I am lean and strong”
“My body burns fat efficiently”
“I am successful”
“My body craves healthy foods and responds to exercise”
Once I had lost the weight I somehow stopped doing affirmations. I am not sure why. Maybe I was so consume with things that were going on I forgot the best way to solve them.
I did do some visualization and affirmations while I was prepping for 2009 jr Nationals. I even had some affirmations set in m phone for little reminders. I also visualized winning first place. I say myself receiving the trophy. I also visualized winning overall. I had never even placed first in bodybuilding but I did not think of that I just saw myself in the pose down and the presentation of the overall trophy to me.As it turns out I did win the overall at the 2009 Jr Nationals and brought a physique head and shoulders better than any previous show.
I found this video to be extremely motivating during my prep for North Americans. Coach Flowers' "I Am a Champion" speech
Now I am in the off season working toward 2012 USAs and it is time to really focus on just how much our mind influences the outcome. I need to STOP saying I have a wide waist. I will now say “My waist is small and tight” I will be visualizing dry, full, shredded muscle. I will see myself posing with confidence as if I am already an IFBB Pro. I will extend the affirmations to help heal “My joints, tendons and ligaments are strong and healthy” “I am flexible” This year everything will be 100% my training, my nutrition and most important my mind. I will be my best at USAs!!
Some quotes on visualization and how important the mindset is.
“When I was very young, I visualized myself being and having what it was I wanted. Mentally I never had any doubts about it. The mind is really so incredible. Before I won my first Mr. Universe, I walked around the tournament like I owned it. The title was already mine. I had won it so many times in my mind that there was no doubt I would win it. Then, when I moved on to the movies, the same thing. I visualized myself being a successful actor and earning big money. I could feel and taste success. I just knew it would all happen.” Arnold Schwarzenegger
"I have been visualizing this show since the first time I hit the stage. My love for the sport never wavered and I know this is my destiny. I am here to show people that they can have anything they want if they put their minds to it and are relentless in their pursuit. This is not about being big, shredded, or ego. This is about the unlimited potential of the human will. I am doing everything in my power to achieve my goals and in the process am living life on my terms…are you?
The Time is NOW…"
Dusty Hanshaw
“Thought allied fearlessly to purpose becomes creative force: he who knows this is ready to become something higher and stronger than a mere bundle of wavering thoughts and fluctuating sensations; he who does this has become the conscious and intelligent wielder of his mental powers.” James Allen, author of As a Man Thinketh
"The mind is everything. The mind creates the reality that you will see manifested in your life" (Greene, FLEX, May 2011).
"The muscle and the mind must become one. One without the other is zero"
- Lee Haney
"I believe there is an inner power that makes winners or losers. And the winners are the ones who really listen to the truth of their hearts."
- Sylvester Stallone
The transformation from being extremely overweight to fit or to the level of national level athlete involves so much more than just the scale changing. The mind must change to see oneself as a new person. To lose the insecurities and negative emotions one feels when they are overweight is an even more important and often more difficult than dropping the pounds.
When I first began my journey to lose weight, my goals were simple. I just wanted to fit in smaller clothes and not cry when I saw myself in the mirror in the dressing room. I did not have a final vision of how I wanted to look. In the beginning, I did not know it was even possible to go from my condition to looking extremely fit, athletic or sexy. I did not know anyone who had lost weight so I had no idea what was possible. Initially, I just wanted to be able to buy clothes for an interview without being disgusted at how I looked.
As time went by and the pounds came off, I wore smaller and smaller sized clothing. I even shopped for some things in the children’s department. I eventually reached a look I was extremely happy with and shocked I was able to achieve. I received complements all the time on how fit I looked and was often asked what I ate or how I trained to look like this. Coming from such an insecure background, I thrived on these complements and felt how others viewed me was what was important. I was finally able to wear “cute” clothes and go to the beach in a bikini and look great.
It was at this point that many people asked if I competed and I decided to do my first bodybuilding show. My mind was still all about just how do I look. Do people see me as fat? I was not competing because I had any long-term goals in bodybuilding. I really enjoyed competing but was still thinking like a fat girl. In this warped mindset, I thought being a bodybuilder meant being big and that meant fat. My mind could not separate big & lean vs. fat, I just thought I don’t want to be fat again so I can’t do bodybuilding. So my fat girl brain thought figure would be the solution. I thought I could stay small but still compete and have photos in great shape. But figure did not fit my personality because I loved to train super heavy, wanted to pose and I wanted to have my legs big and lean but I stayed in figure again just to stay small. My mind could still not get over being fat in the past and my biggest fear was that I would be fat again or people thinking I was fat.
In 2007 I decided to do my first national level show in figure. I was only doing it for fun and to look good for pictures. I knew 100% I did not have the genetics or looks to place well in figure at the national level. I was still not thinking of myself as an athlete. Because of that everything revolved around how I looked day-to-day not trying to achieve new goals and improving my physique. I feared missing any day in the gym - if I was maintaining with what level of activity I was doing I was afraid if I did any less I would gain fat. About 5 weeks out, we decided I should try bodybuilding instead of figure. I really enjoyed being on stage as a bodybuilder and this show was a small step in my mind switching to that of an athlete. I felt a passion for competing I had never felt before!!
Now that I switched back to bodybuilding, I did have the goal of adding muscle and improving my physique for my next show but still the fat girl thoughts overpowered. Do people think I am fat? I still thought of my training and diet as much a path to not gaining my fat back as it was to competing. I still focused to much on can I wear cute clothes and what are people thinking. I know just how differently people treated me when I was fat compared to when I had gotten down to the 120lbs. I also felt I did not have the right genetic structure to really do well as a bodybuilder so I still just competed for fun and to have the photo memories. I never viewed myself as an athlete or someone who could do well in the sport. As much as I loved the training and gave 100% every time I prepped for a show, I never believed deep down I could do well. I hated the off-season because I felt I was fat and I constantly felt I would get fatter and fatter back to my starting point. I still had the negative feelings of the fat girl even though I had kept the weight off for 7-8 years already. I had not spent enough time working on my mind.
The real beginning of my mindset change was in 2009. I won the overall at the 2009 Jr. Nationals and looked like I had never looked before. For the very first time I actually saw myself as a bodybuilder. It was not the win that convinced me but the look I had finally achieved. I had people telling me I had what it took to win and get a pro card yet I still carried insecurities and thought really? Me? A pro card? Even though I set the goal to improve and go for the pro card deep down I still did not believe I was good enough. I still did not look at myself as an athlete or someone good enough to do well. As the months passed and I trained and I started working more on my mindset, gradually I began to push the negative feelings out and they slowly became less and less.
I have tried to fight the insecure fat girl in the back of my head and gradually she gets shoved deeper and deeper and the thoughts creep in less and less. I have gotten back to saying daily affirmations. This was something I had done regularly first few years of my weight loss but somehow had gotten away from doing. One of the books I read back in 2004 is You’ll See It when You Believe It by Wayne Dyer. I often refer back to what that book said. I have surrounded myself with very positive people who believe in themselves and support each other goals. I am learning so much from their words and actions. Now when negative thoughts start to show up I realize those are just old fears and let them go. The person that helped me grow the most is my soul-mate and best friend Chase. He recommended the Wayne Dyer books and always helps to remind me what is important in life and what I have achieved. To look at the positive and the future and not dwell on the past. Whenever I would slip into old thoughts he was there to pull me back out and get me back into the proper mindset.
Here I am 9 weeks into my off-season after my 15th competition and for the first time I can really look at myself as an athlete and I know I have the drive, commitment and abilities to achieve my goals. I can now look at the off-season from the mind of an athlete instead of a fat girl. When Dusty told me I needed a week off for my body to rest I did it without question and I did not fear I would get fat. I can look at each day as a step in my journey to make the improvements I need. Each decision I make on my nutrition and training is with the goal of improving each time I step on stage and my pro card in mind. I don’t eat clean and go to gym to avoid getting fat. I do this to improve my physique and reach my goal.
I am a top level athlete and am finally thinking like one. I am so excited for the next part of my journey both emotional and physical. By far the very best me will be standing on stage in 2012 - I have no doubt!
So how did I end up as a top national level bodybuilder? Well it not a quest that I set out to accomplish as it all happened quite by accident. Growing up I did not participate in sports or even do PE class in school. I did not see pictures of bodybuilders and think I would like to do that.
As a child and on through my high school years, I was never really active, participate in sports or even do PE classes in school. I am legally blind and cannot see when a ball is coming at me. Rather than suggest things that did not require good vision like track or weight training the schools found it easier to just have me take a different class, have a study hall or just go home one period early. So I never developed an active lifestyle or love to play sports.
Fast forward to my late twenties and I was slightly over weight maybe 5 or so pounds but not fat by any means. As the years went by my lifestyle contributed to slowly gaining and gaining over the years. During this time, I found it much easier to just eat fast food especially since my days were very long having to use the bus for transportation. I hated that I was fat but really was not sure what to do. I knew the statistics that a huge majority of those who lose weight gain it back plus even more. I also knew about people yo-yo dieting – lose some, gain it back plus more, lose, gain, lose gain a never ending battle of weight. So at that time, I felt I was better to do nothing than to be even fatter.
I hated how I looked. Whenever I was in a dressing room trying to buy clothes I was in tears but still was not sure what to do. Then something happened that would change my life forever, my aunt, who was my age and renting a room form me, wanted to join the gym but did not want to join alone so I decided what the hell and joined. This was the end of 1995 and my heaviest weight 185lbs. I bought a few books on weight training and read magazines like Muscle and Fitness. Somehow I knew weight training was the way to go. I did not go on a “diet” I just began making better choices. Cutting out sugar sodas and fast food made a huge impact on the calories. I did not count calories or weigh myself. During the first few years my single goal was drop down one clothing size. When I reached that goal I would go for the next size. I only used how my clothes were fitting as a measure of progress.
In addition to the weight starting to come off, I found I really loved hitting the weights. It was my time with me. I thrived on pushing myself harder and harder. It was a slow process which at the time was frustrating but looking back going slow taking a few years to drop the weight was the best thing that could have happened because during that time I was also putting on muscle and by going slow my skin shrank with me so I did not end up with loose skin. I alos learned a lot about food and training since I was doing this all on my own. I did not use any trainers or nutritionists. I kept grinding away and slowly but surely I was dropping sizes.
In 1999 was when I made the biggest changes in my approach to nutrition. This is when I read Body For Life by Bill Phillips. My nutrition became much more structured going to eating 6 meals a day, which included a lean protein, low fat and a good carbohydrate source. This is also when I began to use supplements such as protein powders, meal replacement shakes and creatine. At this time my work schedule plus transportation time was not allowing me to get to the gym so rather than just being satisfied with the weight I had lost in needed to find a solution. I decided to invest in some equipment and set up a home gym. I trained in my garage at 4 A.M then took the bus to work. Fortunately, my company had showers so I did my cardio on my lunch break. Even though I hate running it was the only option at the time that fit my schedule so I ran 30 minute or I did hill sprints. Even when life’s obstacles got in the way I chose to figure out a way to break through them.
In 2001 my weight was finally at a really good place. I wore vey small clothing sizes, looked very fit and suddenly was getting a lot of compliments on how I looked. Several people asked, “Do you compete?” I responded “Compete? In what?” they would reply fitness or bodybuilding. Most of the time I just thanked them for the compliment but never really thought about competing. One day in the gym a very fit older man who had judged bodybuilding and still competed in masters level said that I really should think about entering a bodybuilding competition. I decided to give it a shot just for fun with no real thoughts of continuing or where it could lead. This was very scary as I was not comfortable being up in front of people and was very self conscious dues to the years and years of taunting I had endured due to my visual impairment.
In 2002 I hired my first trainer and did my first real “diet”. Prior to this I had done all my diet and training on my own and I never weighed or measured my food. I had always gone by a serving size of protein is approximately the size of a deck of cards. This form of dieting was also considerably stricter than what I had done to lose weight. At times it was very challenging to stay strict and not cheat. Also during my weight loss I never did more than about 30 min of cardio on a rare occasion I did 45 so doing my first contest prep and getting up to two hours of cardio was extremely difficult.
My first show was March 2002, the San Diego World Gym Classic, and I fell in love with competing. I was shocked that I actually had no fear or stage fright going out there to do my routine and comparisons. I competed in two more shows that year and then oen show in 2003. At this time competing was really just a hobby and something to do for fun.
Even though I really enjoyed competing, I had fears I thought to do bodybuilding you needed to be fat between shows. See I didn’t know any one who was a bodybuilder and had actually never been to a show before I stepped on stage. In my mind at the time, I also thought being big was the same as being fat. I feared I would gain all the weight back I had lost. Due to the fact that skin over my abs was a little loose I felt I would never be able to get a 6-pack.
Due to those thoughts in 2004 I decided to give figure a try. I felt here is a way to stay small, get into competition shape, do photo shoots and get on stage. Since it was all just a hobby still and I never thought it would go anywhere, I didn’t think whether I did bodybuilding or figure mattered. Even though it was just for fun that did not prevent me from busting my ass and training as if I was competing at the Olympia, I still gave 100% in my dieting and training – I wanted to look like I belonged up there and look better each time I got on stage. I competed in a total of 4 figure competitions in 2004 and 2006 and even won an overall in masters. Although my placings were ok, but I was never really happy in figure. I missed the posing and my training was changed and I found it to not be challenging in the way I liked to lift. I also like the look of very lean and hard physiques.
I hired Jeremy Minihan (www.sizeandshpefitness.com) at the end of 2006. Our original goal was to compete at the 2007 Jr Nationals in figure. He changed some of my training since my legs overpowered my upper body and we worked on trying to bring up my back and shoulders. Then came the turning point, while I was in Oklahoma training, Jeremy asked me if I would be interested in switching to bodybuilding since my legs were already really lean and we were 6 weeks out. Without even thinking, I said yes! When I got home I thought “Am I crazy?” we are less than 6 weeks out form the show and I have to com up with a routine and practice posing. But in my heart I knew I made the right decision. In 2007 I competed as a lightweight at Jr Nationals and Nationals.
We decided to take the entire year of 2008 off from competing. My body needed a break from dieted and really needed a boost to the metabolism. I also wanted to make improvements to my physique and really look like a bodybuilder. My back needed much improvement.
Prep began for the 2009 Jr Nationals at the end of February. The year off really helped my body, as this was the best contest prep to date. We thought I would still be competing as a lightweight but as the date approached it was obvious I had moved up to middleweight. This show was the one that rally made me believe I had what it took to do well at the nationals level. When I first looked at pictures, I could not believe that was me. The difference from the shows as a lightweight was amazing. Now I felt I looked like a bodybuilder! At that show I won my middleweight class and the overall. I went on to compete at Nationals that year and placed 4th. No longer was this a hobby just for fun, now I was on a mission for a IFBB Pro card!
Most recently I competed at the 2011 IFBB North American Championships where I place 1st in open middleweight and 1st in over 35 middleweights. I brought my best ever physique to that show after the best contest prep which is much more important than the trophies. I am now in my off season working with Dusty Hanshaw (www.DustyHanshaw.com) in preparation for the 2012 USAs. Excited to continue this journey and seeing what I present in 2012.
Bodybuilding is so much more than the trophies and the competitions. It is a lifestyle that I love. The challenge of pushing myself harder and harder in the gym is something that I will continue to do long after competing is over. I also like having muscle and am very happy with my body something many people cannot say. The training, the nutrition, the mindset of giving it all you’ve got is a lifestyle that will stay with me. My determination and hard work got me started in bodybuilding but the drive, challenge and passion keep the fire alive.
(A future blog will give much more detail and insight into just the weight loss transformation)
My first blog are not my words but words I feel we should live by. But a tribute to a true innovator , genius and a man who followed his dreams - Steve Jobs. The world lost a great man yesterday whose contributions have made huge impacts on all of our lives. But more important than the Macs, iPhones, iPods, PIXAR etc. are his insight and passion to follow your dreams.
Steve Jobs' 2005 Stanford Commencement Address
"I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.
The first story is about connecting the dots.
I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?
It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.
And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.
It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example: Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.
None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
My second story is about love and loss.
I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.
I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.
I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.
During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.
I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
My third story is about death.
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.
I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.
This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept: No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.
Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
Thank you all very much."
